.....that's what I've become.
Things will be going along just fine, and then out of nowhere something will remind me, and I feel it coming. My throat feels tight, my eyes start to sting. I do my best to hold it all in, but lately I haven't been so good at that.
I hate crying. Especially in front of people. I get so embarrassed; especially when it seems to come out of the blue and everyone around me is happy and laughing. They must all think I'm crazy!
I even cry at parties.
How sad is that??
My dear friend told me that I should just embrace it. That next time I'm feeling down I should throw a party so I can just ruin it by crying.
Just want I want to be: The one who cries at parties. Nice.
I always feel awful when it happens, and I get so embarrassed.
But the other day I had a epiphany.
99% of the time my tears are for my babies. Feeling shame about crying for them is insane!
They were my children. Saying I shouldn't cry for them is like saying they aren't worth my tears. But they are. My heart aches for them, and I think it would be much more shameful for me to feel any other way.
So I will probably keep crying.
I will probably cry at Isabella's party - because her twin brother or sister won't be there.
I will cry at Christmas because that is the day our baby was due to be born, but he or she won't be there.
There are so many days that hold meaning for me, and on those days I will most likely cry.
And that's ok.
I am not sorry for my tears because they are for my children.
I am sorry for making people feel bad, and uncomfortable. I'm sorry if my tears come at an inappropriate time. And I'm sorry if my heartache puts a damper on your day.
I have so very much to be thankful for, and much to be heartbroken over... and sometimes I just can't help but show it.