These past couple of weeks have been overwhelming.
My body is healing but my heart is in a million pieces.
Though this was our fourth baby to go on to heaven, it was physically a much more traumatic experience, and in turn I feel emotionally broken and scarred.
My arms ache for the babies I never had the chance to hold.
I keep thinking about how this August our twins should be turning two.
In November, on Isabella's birthday, we should be celebrating the birth of her and her brother or sister.
And on Christmas day this year I know my heart will be breaking again because there will not be a tiny new baby in our family picture.
People all around me are having babies - and that's hard for me. I want to rejoice with them because I know what a precious blessing it is to have a baby. I am genuinely happy that they are able to experience such joy.
But at the same time it's a constant reminder of all I have lost.
And on come the tears.
I know people who have not gone through this think I am just jealous of them, or that I am being too sensitive. But that is not the case.
I just miss my babies.
I don't want them to feel like I am not happy for them, or that I don't care - I do. It's just hard for me to show it right now.
I am grieving.
I don't know what God's plan is for us, and I don't understand why He would allow this to happen again and again. But I know He will comfort me like no one else can. I know He understands my pain and sorrow because He experienced it when His son died.
And it was all a part of His perfect plan.
I want to send out a heartfelt thank you to all of you who have left me comments, sent emails, letters, cards, meals, and most importantly prayers.
I am so touched by how many of you have reached out to me in one way or another these past few weeks. Many of you I've never even met, others I barely know, and some of you have let me know you care much more than I ever realized. Going through hard times can help you see who the people are who truly care about you. So thank you so very much. I know I have not responded to many of you personally yet, but please know that I have felt so loved by you!
I do not want to be depressing, so I will probably not be posting for a little while longer. I just wanted to let you know how I've been doing since I received such an outpouring of love from you.
I will be checking up on your blogs as time allows between snuggles with my hubby and sweet girl.
Please continue to pray as you think of us!