Monday, November 15, 2010

Explaining My Absence. Warning: Not a Happy Post

Well, here I am again. You may have noticed my absence from blogging for awhile now. And if you've been reading my blog for any length of time, or if you know me in real life, you probably know the reason why.
Yep. Another round of heartache has been generously dropped on us.
Funny how we've been through this so many times, yet each time I expect a different outcome.
But it's always the same story.
I get pregnant.
We get excited.
We think we will finally have another child.
I get violently ill and assume that's a good sign. (After all it's the high level of hormones that produces such sickness.)
Then we go in for a normal doctors appointment and hear the devastating news.
"I'm sorry, it doesn't look good. You will probably miscarry within a week."

Que the sounds of our hearts shattering.

I fall apart instantly and cry uncontrollably for what seems like hours. My husband tries to be strong, but he's falling apart too. Our 2 year old tells me "Mommy cry, Mommy sad. Bella sad too."

More tears.

Once again she is robbed of her siblings. And we are robbed of our children. And there is an ache that seems endless.

Last week we lost two more of our precious little ones.

Before you go and tell me that "God has a plan", and "there's a reason for everything", and 'at least you have Bella", "your babies are in heaven", "God is in control". Let me first tell you that I know all these things. I know God knows what he is doing - but I don't, and for us all we can feel is pain. And I know our babies are in heaven, but you know what? I don't want to be the mother of 6 dead babies. I know they are in heaven, but I want them here with me.
I am MAD.
There, I said it.
I hate the feeling of being teased by God. He allows me to get pregnant (which in itself is a really difficult process) only to take our babies away.
Don't judge me. I know he has a plan, and I know there is a reason. But for the life of me I can't understand why he would allow 6 of our babies to die.
Just imagine how we feel. Many of you are mothers. What if God decided to take away your child? Or 2 or 4 or 6 children??
It's easy to say "trust in God" but sometimes it's really hard to do. Right now it's hard.
It feels like we just keep getting trampled on, and every time we are about to get up we get knocked over again. And again. And again. We are broken and bruised. And tired.
I just want peace.
I want to remember what it feels like to not have a broken heart.
I want to hold my babies in my arms and kiss their sweet faces.
I want to know if I have sons or daughters....

It's just too much.

I'm sorry if you came here looking for an uplifting post. I know it's thanksgiving time and most people are posting recipes or the things they are thankful for. Believe me, I know I have much to be thankful for, I do not take those things for granted. But today I am broken and feeling defeated. So that's what I'm writing about.

I am reading Psalm 77 and relating to David in his distress. And I am clinging to His promises.
Praying for peace. Praying for comfort. Praying for miracles....

Psalm 77

1 I cried out to God for help;

I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.
3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.[b]
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
13 Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
16 The waters saw you, God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the heavens resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
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Amy said...

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Lisa Sharp said...

I'm so sorry! I can't say I understand as I don't have children but you have the right to morn!

Jocelyn said...

I can't understand the pain you are feeling right now:-( But I am praying for you and I LOVE YOU!!!!!! Very Much!!!!

Mrs. Lukie said...

Oh, Stephanie...many, many hugs coming your way.

Heavenly Father, thank you for the wonderful gift You've given Stephanie and her husband in Bella. Thank you for your provision and your everlasting love. Lord, I just pray that you wrap your arms around Stephanie and her family, that you bring healing and peace to them. We know, Father, that you have a plan, but we don't understand it, Lord. We don't understand the reason for the heartache and the pain, Father, but I pray that your will be done, and that you replace this heartache and pain with joy and happiness, in only the way that you can. I pray these things in your name, Amen.

Dancing Branflake said...

I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the pain that you are going through. You have been through so much and my heart goes out to you. You are definitely in my prayers.

Kimberly said...

I have been wondering where you have been.
I am so sorry for your lost.

Thanking of you Stephanie!

Sheri said...

Oh I am so so so sorry!!! Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for you loss. I don't have children, but I have experienced loss. I know there is probably not much that can comfort you right now because knowing and feeling are two different things. Just know that you are not alone and don't give up hope, as difficult as this might be.

Praying for you,

grace said...

All I can do is pray for you. All I can do is offer you a shoulder to cry on. All I can do is cry with you.
I commend you for saying the things I am afraid to say.
I cry that, once again, your hearts are broken.

Sammy said...

Hey Stephanie, I am so sorry. But words are a bit useless aren't they? When you just want your kiddies.
I often felt that I didn't "do" infertility very well as I was so mad and frustrated and angry at God, but someone told me that God was more than big enough for my emotion. And that it was ok.
Life is NOT fair. And sometimes this fallen world is so cruel. And I also didn't understand why God didn't come through for me, when He did for others.
So I have no trite answers for you, my friend. But I am standing near you and praying for you. And I know what you feel, even though our journeys are so different.
Much love xxx

Hilary Lane said...

Everyone has their REALLY CRAPPY times in their life and you are fully entitled to be mad. And like you said, we could say all the uplifting things in the world, but you know all those already. Even though I don't know firsthand what you're going through, if you want to talk (about anything), I'm around. I'm praying for you guys!

Tracychele @ The Week-Ender said...

Ohh I am so sorry for all of the losses you and your family have had to endure. I lost one, but I can not imagine that multiplied by six times. It really is not fair and the feelings you have are raw and real and you certainly have every right to feel that way. I pray that you will keep your head up and have the strength to get through something no Mother should have to endure countless times. :(

Rachel said...

My heart is breaking for you! Praying right now for you!

Melissa Jo - mjp photography said...

I somewhat feel your pain...I get sad due to the fact that so far after 7 years trying I have not gotten pregnant, but I get to those "MAD" stages now and then too! I will not judge you, I completely get your frustration! Please know I'm praying for you and your hubby right now!

Countrygirl said...

There just are no words! Praying for you, Bella and you hubby!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for you and your family.

BARBIE said...

Stephanie, my heart hurts for you. I have no words. I am praying for you, that God would comfort you and your husband during this time.

Katie said...

Oh my goodness Stephanie. Your post is so sad and I can certainly see why you have been absent. I cannot imagine what this is like for you and your family. I can reasonably see why are you disheartened by everything you have gone through. I have no response or words of wisdom, because I don't know that this is like. I want you to know that I am thinking and praying for you all.

Stacy's Snippets said...

I love you. My heart aches for you.

Anonymous said...

Just thought I'd let you know that Mya has been praying for you. This is what she says at night before bed: "...and dear Lord, if you don't mind, my Aunt Steph is sad, could you can make her happy again..."

The Wife said...

I am so incredibly sorry. And it isn't fair, God's plan or not. Huge hugs.

Ginger Bergemann said...

I just came across your blog via the Green Blog Hop and wanted to say that I am very sorry for your loss. My husband and I have also lost a baby. I know the pain is devastating. There is nothing wrong with being angry and hurt. I'd wonder if you weren't. Anyway, I will be praying for you and your family. You are not alone and all of us mommies with babies in heaven can grieve together.

Tara said...

So sorry for your loss. And don't ever feel bad for posting how you feel! You have the right to have an outlet for your anger, sadness, worries!!! I have lost two but was lucky enough to remain pregnant with both of those pregnancies. I lost their twins and I was so mad and unhappy but thankful that I still had my girls. We struggled a lot in the beginning. Being told we may never have any children and I know how hard its to hear everyone say, God has a plan. It's just not meant to be right now! Well that isn't good enough. I wanted to scream, "you don't know what I am going through". I thought it was unfair that all these people have kids that don't deserve them and I have none. How is that fair! Now they tell me, after having 4 kids, how lucky I am and see I told you he had a plan. And it's nice to know now I have 4 healthy kids, but the pain of the process still gives me nightmares. My kids are my world and I hope one day that you can share your story with someone who is going through the same. My prayer for you today and days to come is that you can find peace and hope during this time of grief. Sending hugs and happy thoughts your way! Please don't forget venting is healthy. Never be sorry for it. Hopefully you find some comfort in all these wonderful comments.

Beth Priest said...

Sorry about your loss. :-(. So sad. I can't imagine the torment. I will be praying for you and that you will find the peace that you desire in Christ alone.

tea said...

I'm so sorry, Stephanie.
Praying for you. <3

Melissa Cornell said...

oh Stephanie. my heart is broken. There are no words. love and hugs sister...

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. It's hard to lose them. I know, I've been there too. And, I'm sorry. And yes, He has a plan BUT when it doesn't match our plan it is SUPER hard.

Ali Kissee said...

Stephanie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even comprehend your pain. I will be praying for you and your family. May God grant you hope, peace & healing.

♥ Noelle ♥ said...

so sorry sweetie ♥ no one can judge or begin to know how you feel; what do the dr's think is going on? is there anything they can do for you?

i am praying for you hun ♥

eof777 said...

Terribly sorry to read this and sending you love, light and healing hugs....
Ps Following you via GFC

Cary Dale Taylor said...

Praying for you girl!!!

Sofia's Ideas said...

From one woman to another who has experienced this loss, I can only say that even though our bodies have gone through a similar experience, our pain and loss and suffering and sadness is unique to each of us that endure it. EVERY pregnancy since has been difficult because I am too afraid to get attached, too afraid to get excited... unsure of when I can start to allow myself to love and hope and dream...

Thank you for sharing this... my thoughts are with you...

BTW, I'm glad I found your blog... I'm now following you through the Green Blog Hop. I hope you'll do the same! You can find me @

Sofia's Ideas

Kristin said...

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I appreciate your comment on my blog about my loss too. I pray that God will heal your heart completely over time and show you where He has been in all of this. I know it is so hard to go through and I too am glad that those of us who have experienced loss can hold each other up.


Mary (Mary's Musicology) said...

Stephanie its ok to be mad. Its ok to cry and yell at God. Better to yell at Him then just walk away all together. I'm not a mother but when I was 7 my mom miscarried and I was so devastated I still remember that hurt at 26. All I wanted was a brother or sister and I felt robbed of that. Even today I wonder where he or she would be right now and it breaks my heart that the life of that baby was ended so soon. You'll be in my prayers and I hope that one day it will make sense. You may not see it in this lifetime but it will someday.

Renee Ann said...

I don't know if you'll notice this comment, but I'll leave it anyway. I found your blog through Oh So Savvy Mom's Feed Me Friday. And whenever I hit on a new blog, I skim old posts. So I ended up here . . . God never blessed me with children. Tho' I haven't felt exactly what you're going through, I've had to mourn the death of some cherished dreams. I only know that God is still my comforter and heaven is still my hope . . . and eventually peace returns. Love the verse in your blog header! Blessings!

Susie said...

I just linked to your site to the PB cookie recipe and went back to read other posts. I'm so sorry. As I'm writing this, I'm on bedrest until I get my hCG levels rechecked on Monday, I'm already bleeding and since the baby measures 6 weeks small, I'm expecting a bad outcome. My 2nd miscarriage since August. My son died at 9 weeks in 2008. If I lose this pregnancy I'll have lost 3 of my 5 children. It makes me want to quit getting pregnant. We had just announced at Thanksgiving and now I have to deal with everyone asking what happened.

I know the Lord too, and I know He has a plan. But I'm pretty angry and disillusioned at the moment. Just wanted to say, I'm with you. [[[Hugs]]]