Monday, December 20, 2010

What's It All About?

I used to LOVE Christmas.
I loved the decorating, the baking, listening to Christmas music, the shopping, shopping, shopping, the parties, more baking, gift giving, etc.
But now it all feels like "busy work". Things to keep me occupied and overly busy so I am distracted from what's always on my mind.
The last few Christmases have been hard. Some heartbreaking memories kept me from feeling the giddiness I usually felt that time of year.
This year, I hate to say, I am dreading Christmas. Everything just feels so silly and petty, and I wish I could sleep through the whole thing.

This year is harder.
Our baby was due to be born on Christmas day. But my womb is empty and so are my arms.
Five months after we lost that baby, I became pregnant again. With twins. Though the pain of losing our baby was terrible, I was thankful that these babies were here - almost as though to comfort me. We may not hold our little one on Christmas, but we had a flicker of joy; the hope that soon two more babes would join our family.
Six weeks ago we lost those babies too.
Three years ago, after many difficult years of trying to conceive, we were expecting twins. We told our families on Christmas day, and on January 1st, I miscarried.
Three months later, I was pregnant with twins again. Though I miscarried one baby, by the grace of God, our sweet miracle Isabella Hope was born.

It seems like each year Christmas (and life) gets harder and more painful. Each year we mourn the loss of more babies we never had the chance to hold. Each year, and this year in particular, I struggle so hard to not fall apart. To pretend that Christmas is fun and wonderful. For the sake of our daughter, I try to let her experience of Christmas be one that is full of joy.
I try not to let by broken heart bleed for all to see.

Oh, but this year is hard.

Friends, I write this today, not to depress you or bring you down, but to show you that I know pain and suffering, and loss. But I have HOPE.
You see, Christmas is about a baby. Just not my baby.
This baby is the son of God, born to the virgin Mary.
He was fully God yet he came to this world a human - a baby.
This baby grew to be a man, and lived a perfect life as an example to us.
He did not have an easy life. He was a man of sorrows, therefore we can know that Jesus, the son of God himself, understands our pain.
He suffered and died on the cross to pay the penalty for our wrongdoings. He got what we deserved, and He paid willingly because He LOVES us.
He was dead and buried for 3 days before he came back to life to prove His victory over sin and death. And he ascended into heaven where He reigns eternally.

The sweet baby Jesus we sing about at Christmas was so much more than just a baby. He is Emmanuel, God with us. The King of kings and Lord of lords. He came to bring us peace.
And though you may feel like me right now - heartbroken and beaten down. There is a peace that passes all understanding, and it can only come from Him.

Luke 2:11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.

Isaiah 9:6

6 For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given,

and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
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ACountryCowgirl said...

I don't know what to say other than I am sorry and I will send prayers your way and and that I admire your strength and your faithfullness to GOD!!! There is that saying that GOD never gives us more than we can bear, that is is soooooo not true because no one could endure what you have without GOD. I know christmas is hard but I will pray for the LORDs love and peace to come this chrismats season and for you to love and laugh with your little family that is there with you. May this christmas and new year be full of blessings and miracles!!

Kate said...

Hi Stephanie,

This post is absolutely beautiful. You are so right about how hard it can be after loss and how desperately we need to focus on the Christ Child.

I, too, had several miscarriages. Seven, to be exact. I have two healthy daughters, 10 and 13, but I still think all the time about my babies that God holds.

My last miscarriage was 5 years ago and shortly thereafter, I ended up with a hysterectomy. A mixed blessing that was. I hated to lose the chance for more children, but I was relieved to know that I couldn't lose any more.

I'll say some special prayers for you this Christmas time. God loves you and will help you through this. Just depend on Him.

Kate (

LeAnna said...

Oh, Steph...There is beauty from your ashes of mourning. And that beauty is your Hope. I am sorry for your empty arms. But I see you as coming forth like refined gold through these hardships. Purified by the fires of life, and allowing the Master to create someone you never knew you could be. He is good like that. There are so many people that have hurt this year, and who are struggling right now. I've had a hard time getting into the Christmasy spirit as well. Life is but a vapor, and we're not promised tomorrow. The materialism does seem so petty and trivial. That I do understand.
You are loved, lady! Hold tight to the promises, and celebrate the King.

Reminds me of the old song Through It All by Andrae Crouch, and a line that goes like this:

I've had many tears and sorrows,
I've had questions for tomorrow,
there's been times I didn't know right from wrong.
But in every situation,
God gave me blessed consulation,
that my trials come to only make me strong.

Through it all,
through it all,
I've learned to trust in Jesus,
I've learned to trust in God.

Through it all,
through it all,
I've learned to depend upon His Word.

Here's a link to the song if you've never heard it. It'll make ya bawl though. :)

Love ya!

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Stephanie, I am so sorry for your aching/rejoicing heart. So many lost babies. It is wonderful that you are celebrating the Most Miraculous Baby of all, even in your pain. Sweet Girl, the best is yet to come. Hold on tight and He will never let you go.

Jill said...

Your post made me think of the song "Held" by Natalie Grant - about how we're not promised that we won't suffer, only that He'll hold us through the suffering.

I can't imagine your heartbreak. You're one special lady to be so honest about your feelings and you'll probably never know how much your posts help others.

tea said...

I'm so, so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I can only imagine the deep grief..

I'm so thankful that you know the hope of God and that you share that hope with us. You are shining a beautiful light here. Praying for you this Christmas. <3

BARBIE said...

I cannot imagine the magnitude of your loss. I rejoice in the miracle of your precious daughter and pray that God will hold you in His arms and breathe afresh and anew into you this Christmas!

Wendy said...

Dear Stephanie,
I haven't stopped by for a long time, and I thought I would tonight, and I'm sure the timing is of the Lord. I don't have any words to say that will magically make it all better, but I am your sister in Christ, and I bring Jesus and His comfort to you, as I ask Him to move in so close to you that you can feel His breath. I am sitting beside you with my arm around you and crying with you. And I will be there with you when we get to heaven and you see your babies' faces and see them in the Savior's arms and they are all soooo happy. My babies will be there, too, and we will jump up and down together and sing and cry and clap and it will be a glorious day.
Because of Him, Merry Christmas,
Faith's Firm Foundation

Katie said...

Stephanie, your post was beautiful and yet you are right to try and focus your attention on Christ's birth. Still, I am sure it is hard to not think about losses when your heart is still hurting. I will be thinking of you and hope you have a Blessed and merry Christmas!

Tiffany said...

Stephanie, you are in my thoughts and prayers this week as Christmas comes and goes. This is a beautiful post. You are amazing. Thank you for sharing your hurt so as I can extend my hand to you in support. I'm not sure what the right words are to say, but always know you are loved. I pray that you are able to have a peaceful Christmas with your daughter and family. Merry Christmas!

Countrygirl said...

I am so sorry - keep Christmas simple - go do something you've never done.
I find that our loss changed things - we just don't have patience for foolishness of the world. But we do have time for small miracles. Loss also makes you appreciate what you have. Be blessed, God hears your cries... and just like Amy Grant says in her song, ..."it's better than a hallelujah some times!"

Stacy's Snippets said...

Steph...making me cry as usual. I'm sorry for your pain. Being a single woman in my almost 40's with no children, I do understand a little about emptiness and longing, however there is absolutely no way to understand the pain that you have endured and continue to endure. You are a courageous, strong, beautiful woman, and a terrific mother to the little beauty you've been blessed with. Try to enjoy the magic of the season through her eyes. I know God is wrapping His arms around you. Love you!

carissa @ lowercase letters said...

I'm so sorry for all your loss. Just as you said, Christ is our hope and is always with us. Hope your Christmas celebration tomorrow is filled with the peace of God that surpasses all understanding.

Anonymous said...

I'm really sorry dear friend! Through this all I am glad that you know Christ as your savior!