Explaining My Absence. Warning: Not a Happy Post

Well, here I am again. You may have noticed my absence from blogging for awhile now. And if you've been reading my blog for any length of time, or if you know me in real life, you probably know the reason why.
Yep. Another round of heartache has been generously dropped on us.
Funny how we've been through this so many times, yet each time I expect a different outcome.
But it's always the same story.
I get pregnant.
We get excited.
We think we will finally have another child.
I get violently ill and assume that's a good sign. (After all it's the high level of hormones that produces such sickness.)
Then we go in for a normal doctors appointment and hear the devastating news.
Again.
"I'm sorry, it doesn't look good. You will probably miscarry within a week."

Que the sounds of our hearts shattering.

I fall apart instantly and cry uncontrollably for what seems like hours. My husband tries to be strong, but he's falling apart too. Our 2 year old tells me "Mommy cry, Mommy sad. Bella sad too."

More tears.

Once again she is robbed of her siblings. And we are robbed of our children. And there is an ache that seems endless.

Last week we lost two more of our precious little ones.

Before you go and tell me that "God has a plan", and "there's a reason for everything", and 'at least you have Bella", "your babies are in heaven", "God is in control". Let me first tell you that I know all these things. I know God knows what he is doing - but I don't, and for us all we can feel is pain. And I know our babies are in heaven, but you know what? I don't want to be the mother of 6 dead babies. I know they are in heaven, but I want them here with me.
I am MAD.
There, I said it.
I hate the feeling of being teased by God. He allows me to get pregnant (which in itself is a really difficult process) only to take our babies away.
Don't judge me. I know he has a plan, and I know there is a reason. But for the life of me I can't understand why he would allow 6 of our babies to die.
Just imagine how we feel. Many of you are mothers. What if God decided to take away your child? Or 2 or 4 or 6 children??
It's easy to say "trust in God" but sometimes it's really hard to do. Right now it's hard.
It feels like we just keep getting trampled on, and every time we are about to get up we get knocked over again. And again. And again. We are broken and bruised. And tired.
I just want peace.
I want to remember what it feels like to not have a broken heart.
I want to hold my babies in my arms and kiss their sweet faces.
I want to know if I have sons or daughters....

It's just too much.

I'm sorry if you came here looking for an uplifting post. I know it's thanksgiving time and most people are posting recipes or the things they are thankful for. Believe me, I know I have much to be thankful for, I do not take those things for granted. But today I am broken and feeling defeated. So that's what I'm writing about.

I am reading Psalm 77 and relating to David in his distress. And I am clinging to His promises.
Praying for peace. Praying for comfort. Praying for miracles....

Psalm 77

¹ I cried out to God for help;

I cried out to God to hear me.
² When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.
³ I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.^[b]
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
⁵ I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
⁶ I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
⁷ “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
⁸ Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
⁹ Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
¹⁰ Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
¹¹ I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
¹² I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
¹³ Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
¹⁴ You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
¹⁵ With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
¹⁶ The waters saw you, God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
¹⁷ The clouds poured down water,
the heavens resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
¹⁸ Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
¹⁹ Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
²⁰ You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.