Tuesday, December 22, 2009


This time of year is very bittersweet for me. I have always loved Christmas and all that goes along with it. The baking, the gift giving, the Christmas movie marathons, the decorations, and most importantly remembering the whole reason we celebrate. "An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, Do not be afraid, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord." Luke 2 10-12
With a gift like Jesus, who could ask for anything more? So, there is much to celebrate and be joyful about.
However, (I did say it is bittersweet) two years ago my husband and I were struggling to find joy in anything. I was pregnant with twins. We had prayed for these babies for years and we wanted them so desperately. We struggled with the decision of whether or not to tell our families on Christmas that we were expecting two bundles of joy because we had so much trouble in the past. But it was Christmas, and we were feeling so hopeful that this time God would let us keep our babies. So we shared our news. Everyone was thrilled. They knew all we had been through and how much these babies meant to us.
A few days later we had another ultrasound and the doctor determined that these babies would not live. Our hopes were crushed. Our hearts were broken. In that moment we were forever changed. On January 1, 2008 we lost our little angels.
Even though we have our sweet Isabella now, we will never forget all the babies we've lost. For me this time of year brings back the pain of what we went through 2 years ago - I don't know how we got through it. There is a song by Watermark called Glory Baby, and it's words have been a comfort to me. "Baby, let sweet Jesus hold you till Mom and Dad can hold you.... You'll just have heaven before we do." It is a comfort to know that our little ones are with Jesus and one day we will get to meet them and tell them how much we love them.
People who have never gone through this seem to think that after a few months the pain goes away. Or that after you finally have a baby, you forget. That is not the case. I will never forget.
I know this isn't a cheerful holiday subject, and it's unlike me to write about something so personal, but it's what's on my mind. And even if no one cares or no one is reading, it's therapeutic to write it all out. I know this is a hard time of year for many people and I want to leave you on an encouraging note. Psalm 139:7-10 says "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." He is always with us, even when we despair. He is the King of kings and the Lord of lords, but he cares about each one of us and He wants to be our comforter.
So let us rejoice this Christmas knowing that the Son of God came down to earth to bring us salvation and give us HOPE!
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LeAnna said...

Oh, dear sister. I am so sorry. You are so very right about the fact that even after we have a baby, we never forget. I found out I was pregnant in January of 2008, and miscarried in February - the day after we told everyone I was pregnant...No, you don't ever forget.

I love everything about this post. I love knowing our babies are walking streets of gold right now. What better place to be than in the arms of Christ?

Thank you for being real, and for sharing a piece of your heart. I don't know too many women who haven't been touched by this in some way, and it is so encouraging to see a Godly perspective - someone who's lived it, and still gives all glory and praise to the King of kings...

Timothy said...

Thank you, Stephanie, for writing that. I love you!

Teresa Kline aka va.sunshine said...

so sorry for your loss, you will see them one day, Praise God for that....so glad you felt God's blessings this year despite the grieve you feel for your little ones....may God continue to richly bless you and your family!

enjoy *~*

Lemonade Makin' Mama said...

Hoping your Christmas was lovely in spite of pain in your precious heart... You are such a sweet woman!


Anonymous said...

I'm glad you shared this! I love seeing you open up more and sharing what's on your mind!! Keep them coming!

Jocelyn said...

Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of you! We love you guys:-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing Stephanie and thank you for following my blog. I'm following yours now so I can't wait to get to know you :)

tea said...

I'm so sorry you've experienced such a deep loss. Thank you for sharing the hope you've found in the Lord in all you've been through.

I also wanted to thank you for stopping by my blog today.
Blessings to you,

Stephanie said...

Stephanie, oh this post is so near to my heart. Thank you so much for commenting on my blog... there are SO many women who deal with infertility, as I have recently found in this blogging world. I know God will eventually bless us with a child, one way or another... but there are days when I lose it and just can't get a grip and want to know why... But then God sweeps me off the floor and reminds me that his plan is so much bigger!

I am so sorry for your loss... I know my words cannot make that loss better but Christ will always comfort those in need and be close to the broken hearted, as I have also learned! http://thegimlinfamily.blogspot.com/2010/01/seeing-little-clearer.html.

Thanks again for the encouragement!

Q, La, and Gooner said...

I'm so sorry. I went back to some older posts in hopes of knowing more about you. You seem so sweet! I wish you and other women did not have to go through this. I don't think events, children, or the loss of them every goes away.