Thursday, September 30, 2010

Cry Baby....

.....that's what I've become. 
Things will be going along just fine, and then out of nowhere something will remind me,  and I feel it coming. My throat feels tight, my eyes start to sting. I do my best to hold it all in, but lately I haven't been so good at that.  
I hate crying. Especially in front of people. I get so embarrassed; especially when it seems to come out of the blue and everyone around me is happy and laughing.  They must all think I'm crazy!
I even cry at parties.  
How sad is that??
My dear friend told me that I should just embrace it. That next time I'm feeling down I should throw a party so I can just ruin it by crying.
 Just want I want to be: The one who cries at parties. Nice.
I always feel awful when it happens, and I get so embarrassed. 

But the other day I had a epiphany.

99% of the time my tears are for my babies.  Feeling shame about crying for them is insane
They were my children.  Saying I shouldn't cry for them is like saying they aren't worth my tears. But they are. My heart aches for them, and I think it would be much more shameful for me to feel any other way.
So I will probably keep crying. 
I will probably cry at Isabella's party - because her twin brother or sister won't be there.
I will cry at Christmas because that is the day our baby was due to be born, but he or she won't be there. 
There are so many days that hold meaning for me, and on those days I will most likely cry. 
And that's ok.
I am not sorry for my tears because they are for my children.
I am sorry for making people feel bad, and uncomfortable.  I'm sorry if my tears come at an inappropriate time. And I'm sorry if my heartache puts a damper on your day. 

I have so very much to be thankful for, and much to be heartbroken over... and sometimes I just can't help but show it.
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LeAnna said...

{hugs} Sometimes that's all you can do! Praying for lots of peace during these times coming up, where memories will be fresh. Love you, girl! God's got a plan through all of this, He always does.

Sheri said...

Don't be sorry! Praying for you.

Brandi said...

A big virtual hug from me to you. I am so sorry for your losses. I could not imagine what you are going through but I just said a little prayer for you. Just want you to know that I am thinking of you and hope things get better!

NekiNaturals said...

Will Pray for you as well. Hang in there

Anonymous said...

It's OK, Steph. We LOVE you; don't ever feel embarrassed!

Sammy said...

You don't put a damper on my day at all. I have often wondered how you are doing, you know, how you are REALLY doing. You have been through a lot and its ok to cry for your babies. More than ok. It honours their memory in a way.
And those that love you will get it. Sometimes being made to feel uncomfortable is good for people. It reminds us that everyone is fighting a battle. It takes our focus off ourselves.
Yes you do have a lot to be thanful for AND you also have the right to mourn. You do have a broken heart because pieces of your heart are living in heaven.
Thanks for sharing and I pray that sharing and giving yourself permission to mourn brings you peace xxx

The White Whimsies said...

Crying isn't a bad thing. It is a release and if and when you feel like you need to you should. I am so sorry to hear of your losses. You will be in my prayers.

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry. I've been there. You deserve to let yourself grieve!

D and A said...

Stopping by from NFF and saying a little prayer for you! Blessings. Your post was very real!

Amy @ Missional Mama

Lei said...

Bless your heart Stephanie!!! ♥

BARBIE said...

! Crying is very healing, so you go ahead and cry!

ACountryCowgirl said...

I agree that crying is healing. Burrying feelings only causes bigger problems and there is no need to hide them. You have nothing to be embarassed about. I think you are an amazingly strong person with all you have been through and I don't even know you that well, so all those around you probably think the same. May the LORD help you through your grieving. My prayers go out for you!

Jennifer said...

I think you should just let it out when you feel the need. I don't think it's healthy to try to hold it in. Prayers to you! Stopping by from Cookies & Clogs.

Theresa said...

never apologize for your sorrow. my dad once told me that i feel such intense feelings in regards family and children because i love them so deeply. and so i say again, NEVER apologize for your feelings of sorrow and loss and LOVE because those are for the sweetest of them all.....babies.

i too understand your tears and i assure you of my prayers, my understanding, and my tears.

take care and have a blessed day.

Stacy's Snippets said...

Of course you should not apologize for your tears. You have lived through an unimaginable amount of pain in your sweet life. Yet you remain faithful and grateful to God and are an amazing example to all of us.

Cry when you need to and smile when you can. Peace will come eventually. Love you girl!

Kristin said...

It is perfectly okay for you to cry. I lost a newborn and I understand the tears. I stopped by from FFF and I am glad I did. Following you now.