I am having a hard time tonight.

I keep thinking about what we were going through 2 years ago (see my post Hope for details). I'm trying to cheer myself up by remembering how good God is and how he blessed me with a wonderful husband to share my life with, and how He blessed us with our daughter. We do have a great deal to be thankful for.

But I keep thinking about our babies, and I miss them. Terribly. I remember the joy we felt with each pregnancy seeing our babies on the ultrasound monitor. I remember finally letting myself get my hopes up.... then my heart just breaks all over again. How can you love someone so much if you never knew them??

This is a picture of the ring my husband gave me just minutes after finding out we were expecting. After I miscarried, I couldn't wear it for a while. It was a reminder of what I had lost. But now I wear it because I remember them and I love them.

(Sorry for the unpleasant post on a night most people are celebrating, but it's what's on my heart. Perhaps I should strive to post only happy thoughts in 2010)

Christmas Review

Here a some highlights from our Christmas 2009:

I went overboard with the baking yet again - about 15 varieties of cookies, candies, and truffles total.

These, by the way, were amazing!! A happy accident of leftover chocolate, gooey caramel, and pretzels. Yum!

We watched the Grinch (among many other movies I have to watch every year).

We rearranged the ornaments..... oh wait, that was just Isabella.

We spent Christmas eve at the in-laws house.

This empty cup from Grandma was her favorite gift - go figure!

We had our own little family time on Christmas morning.

We spent the rest of the day at my parents house.

It's tiring opening so many presents.

I may have had a tiny bit to drink. Wait, are those all empty?? (ahem)

Overall it was a good Christmas. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas too!

Clap Your Hands

My 13 month old daughter is not a tv watcher. She is much to busy for such things. However, we have recently discovered that she is a big fan of Wheel of Fortune. It's hilarious! She stands on the couch, eyes glued to the screen, and claps and cheers right along with the audience. This kid kills me.

Hope

This time of year is very bittersweet for me. I have always loved Christmas and all that goes along with it. The baking, the gift giving, the Christmas movie marathons, the decorations, and most importantly remembering the whole reason we celebrate. "An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, Do not be afraid, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord." Luke 2 10-12

With a gift like Jesus, who could ask for anything more? So, there is much to celebrate and be joyful about.

However, (I did say it is bittersweet) two years ago my husband and I were struggling to find joy in anything. I was pregnant with twins. We had prayed for these babies for years and we wanted them so desperately. We struggled with the decision of whether or not to tell our families on Christmas that we were expecting two bundles of joy because we had so much trouble in the past. But it was Christmas, and we were feeling so hopeful that this time God would let us keep our babies. So we shared our news. Everyone was thrilled. They knew all we had been through and how much these babies meant to us.

A few days later we had another ultrasound and the doctor determined that these babies would not live. Our hopes were crushed. Our hearts were broken. In that moment we were forever changed. On January 1, 2008 we lost our little angels.

Even though we have our sweet Isabella now, we will never forget all the babies we've lost. For me this time of year brings back the pain of what we went through 2 years ago - I don't know how we got through it. There is a song by Watermark called Glory Baby, and it's words have been a comfort to me. "Baby, let sweet Jesus hold you till Mom and Dad can hold you.... You'll just have heaven before we do." It is a comfort to know that our little ones are with Jesus and one day we will get to meet them and tell them how much we love them.

People who have never gone through this seem to think that after a few months the pain goes away. Or that after you finally have a baby, you forget. That is not the case. I will never forget.

I know this isn't a cheerful holiday subject, and it's unlike me to write about something so personal, but it's what's on my mind. And even if no one cares or no one is reading, it's therapeutic to write it all out. I know this is a hard time of year for many people and I want to leave you on an encouraging note. Psalm 139:7-10 says "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." He is always with us, even when we despair. He is the King of kings and the Lord of lords, but he cares about each one of us and He wants to be our comforter.

So let us rejoice this Christmas knowing that the Son of God came down to earth to bring us salvation and give us HOPE!

Caramels, Kisses, and Cheerios. Oh My!

I haven't posted in a while, I've been too busy baking, wrapping presents, baking, cleaning, baking, doing hair, baking, making jewelry, baking..... you get the idea. (more on the baking another day) Of course my favorite little girl was never too far away. She's like a desperate puppy - whenever food is involved she is right there staring up at me with those pretty eyes begging for just a bite, followed by another, and another.....

She found a bag of caramels in the cabinet, dumped them all over the floor, and tried with all her might to open the sticky little packages. I just let her play with them because I figured there's no way she could actually open one. Then she kindly picked them all up off the floor and put them back in the bag. (what a great little helper!) But she missed one. A few moments later I found this:

Notice the caramel drool, haha. She is one determined little girlie! (those things are hard for me to open)

This was not an isolated incident. It happened again with the Kisses:

and again with the Cheerios:

This kid loves her food!!

More to come later....

Twas The Sale Before Christmas

I wanted to do something special for my blog followers; I am new at this and I appreciate those of you who take the time to stop by and show me some love! As you know, I have a jewelry gallery on etsy called Bella Regali. From now through Saturday 12/19 I am offering Buy 1 get 1 50% off on all items!!! If you are a follower, this sale is for you!

Here are some pieces recently listed.

I design a wide variety of styles, and each piece is unique. I ship everything next day (sometimes even same day depending on the time of the order).

Hope you can take advantage of this special sale, happy shopping!

It's That Time of Year

I love Christmas time! One of my favorite things to do this time of year is bake ridiculous amounts of cookies and other goodies while listening to Christmas music.

These are the trays of goodies I baked last year to bring to friends and family.

That's right. Two trays EACH.

Yes, I went overboard.... but I don't hear anyone complaining!

I have my favorites and pretty much make the same things every year. This year I wan to mix it up! I thought it would be fun for all of us to share our favorite cookie or candy recipe. Leave me a comment with your fav or if it's a recipe online you can just give me the link. Hopefully you all will participate and we can all try some new fun recipes!!

For me it doesn't feel like Christmas until I've made the famous Peanut Butter Kiss cookies. They are my favorite! I don't think I even need to leave the recipe - everyone loves these puppies!

Happy baking, friends!!

My Newest Venture

About six months ago I decided to try my hand at designing and making my own jewelry. I quickly realized that this was something I really enjoyed doing, and I wanted to share my pieces with everyone! So, a few months later I found a website dedicated to all things handmade and decided to settle in there and open up shop.

My store is called Bella Regali which means Beautiful Gift in Italian.

I really enjoy making each item and I hope others who find them will enjoy wearing them too!

I like making each piece unique, because I think it's fun to have something no one else has! But I will gladly make an item again if someone requests it. I also love to create custom pieces. Just give me an idea of what you want or send me a pic of an outfit you want to match and I will make something special just for you!

I am currently offering FREE SHIPPING through Tuesday December 15th.

Please stop by. Tell me what you think. And maybe get some Christmas shopping done!

I Can Dream...

Today was cold. Bitter cold. And windy. And snowy.

Two years ago we were in Hawaii, traveling around to all the islands.

Swimming in the ocean. Laying on the beach. Climbing to waterfalls and feeling the warm sun on

our faces. Eating our meals outside because it was always so gorgeous.

Kayaking. Riding a zodiac on the ocean and seeing whales 12 inches from our raft.

Hawaii was all I could think about today. If only 12 month olds enjoyed sitting quietly for 9 hour plane rides. One day we will return. One day we might never come back! Can you blame us???

Good Morning?

Today started out like most days.

5 am my darling baby girl decides it's time to wake up.

Like every other day I get up, feed her a bottle and lay her back down. Most days she will oblige sweetly and sleep another couple hours.

This was NOT the case today.

She thought 5 am was a perfectly good time to start her day as you can see.

I gave her a look that let her know I disagree wholeheartedly.

"What's the problem Mama?" (don't you just love the bed head?!)

"Really, I'm not tired, I'm ready to get up!"

Right. So I thought I'd try laying down with her, maybe then she'd fall asleep.

NO

She just crouched next to my head and gently patted my face saying "hi mama, hi mama."

It's a good thing she's so darn cute.

(ps: these pics were taken with my brand spankin new camera in the dark - because it's dark at 5 am. not bad, eh?)

Hello, Gorgeous!

I am entering the blogosphere a little hesitant.

I am a quiet person - a private person, so this really goes against all my natural instincts.

Besides, does anyone really care about what I do on a daily basis or what I think about.....well, anything?? We'll see.

I am going to start with one tip toe in - just to test the waters. So come follow me. We'll find out together if the water is warm :)