Heartbroken

I am writing today with a broken heart.

I can't believe this is happening again.

For the last 9 1/2 weeks I have been keeping a secret.

It wasn't easy.

I was unbelievably sick all day, everyday.

But I was deliriously happy.

I was pregnant.

We were expecting a little brother or sister for our precious Isabella on Christmas day.

What a perfect gift, we thought.

We had a few scares, and a few trips to the emergency room, but our baby seemed to be a tough cookie. Each time we were able to see baby's sweet heartbeat, and we were SO thankful.

I have never been pregnant and not miscarried, but it seemed like this time would be an exception.

It wasn't.

Yesterday I was rushed to the hospital with severe bleeding and intense labor pains.

I knew it was the end. But deep in my heart I still had hope.

After all, God can do anything. Maybe he would see fit to save our sweet tiny baby. Why would it be his will to take a fourth baby from us?

To hear the doctor say the words fetal demise was nearly unbearable.

I was taken into surgery at midnight.

I went in with a baby and came out all alone.

I feel so empty.

Devastated.

Heartbroken.

It's been my dream to have a big family, but it seems like God may have other plans.

It's nearly impossible for me to get pregnant, and each time I do, our babies don't survive.

I don't think I can do this again. The pain is too great.

I know my four babies are together in heaven, in the arms of Jesus.

I can't compete with that.

I will be taking a break from blogging for a while. I don't know how long, but I cannot keep up with it now. What would I write about? Nothing else seems to matter.

I need time to heal.

Please pray for us.