Wednesday, May 26, 2010


I am writing today with a broken heart.
I can't believe this is happening again.
For the last 9 1/2 weeks I have been keeping a secret.
It wasn't easy.
I was unbelievably sick all day, everyday.
But I was deliriously happy.
I was pregnant.
We were expecting a little brother or sister for our precious Isabella on Christmas day.
What a perfect gift, we thought.
We had a few scares, and a few trips to the emergency room, but our baby seemed to be a tough cookie. Each time we were able to see baby's sweet heartbeat, and we were SO thankful.
I have never been pregnant and not miscarried, but it seemed like this time would be an exception.

It wasn't.

Yesterday I was rushed to the hospital with severe bleeding and intense labor pains.
I knew it was the end. But deep in my heart I still had hope.
After all, God can do anything. Maybe he would see fit to save our sweet tiny baby. Why would it be his will to take a fourth baby from us?

To hear the doctor say the words fetal demise was nearly unbearable.

I was taken into surgery at midnight.

I went in with a baby and came out all alone.
I feel so empty.

It's been my dream to have a big family, but it seems like God may have other plans.
It's nearly impossible for me to get pregnant, and each time I do, our babies don't survive.
I don't think I can do this again. The pain is too great.
I know my four babies are together in heaven, in the arms of Jesus.
I can't compete with that.

I will be taking a break from blogging for a while. I don't know how long, but I cannot keep up with it now. What would I write about? Nothing else seems to matter.
I need time to heal.

Please pray for us.

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LeAnna said...

I'm so sorry, girl. So very very sorry. Praying Jesus gives you peace. Wish I could give you a hug...I know you could use one, matter of fact, I think I could use one too.

Natalieh said...

I am so sorry, Stephanie. I am praying for you.

Lacie @ Creative Attempts said...

My heart breaks for you and your family. I have lived though the loss of a child in our family and when the time comes you will be able to breath a little easier and find peace and comfort. Until that time comes I will pray for you!

Jules said...

So sorry...

Natalie said...

lots and lots of prayers coming your way stephanie! I pray that Jesus would heal your heart and give you peace that passes all understanding. how thankful I am for you that you have Him to lean on in this hard hard time.

Gay Vaughan said...

Praying for my sweet bloggy friend and her family. God's will and plan is perfect, although we don't understand it sometimes. Take time to heal and know friends in Christ are praying.

Jen said...

Oh sweet Stephanie--my heart hurts for you. Wish I had the perfect words, but I've not yet been where you are. You're not alone...there are so many that I've come in contact with that are hurting right now. So many that are familiar with your pain.
I will be praying for you--for healing and for peace. No words, but I can pray. Love you, sister.
P.S. May I suggest something? It may seem small, but the song "Healing is in Your Hands" on my blog playlist...I've been facedown at my desk with this song alot this week...I hope you feel His love in the midst of your hurt like I have.

m.e (Cathie) said...

thinking of you all Stephanie ♥

Barbie said...

Oh Stephanie, I am so very sorry. No words that I could express could bring comfort. I will be praying for you!

Kimberly said...

oh Stephanie I am so sorry to read you post today!! I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers today! I hope you come back soon and let us know how you are doing.

Rachel said...

Stephanie -- I am so deeply sorry. I do not understand these events of life. I am sorry.

I will be praying for you.


Kelley said...

I am so sorry to hear this. My prayers are with you and your family. I pray that God wraps His arms around you at this time and reminds you of His love. I cannot imagine what you are going through but I will be in prayer for you. ~Kelley

Rachel said...

Stephanie!! I WILL be praying for you! I can't imagine your sorrow right now, so I will be praying for our Almighty Father's grace and strength in your life!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry, we will miss you but you take as long as you need

Anonymous said...

Stephanie-my prayers are with you

Courtney said...

Oh, Stephanie. What can I say except that I am praying for you and your family. I hope you find peace somehow. Blessings!

Rachel and John said...

Oh Stephanie. I am so sorry. I will be praying for you, your family and that sweet baby.

Stacy's Snippets said...

Oh Steph, I am so so sorry. My heart is broken for you. I pray for peace and strength for you and your little family.

Take all the healing time you need and know that your friends will be here for you when you come back.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
oneinspiredhand said...

I'm so sorry Stephanie; I'll be praying for you

Stephanie said...

Oh Stephanie, I am truly SO sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

ACountryCowgirl said...

My prayers are with you!!! I can't even begin to imagine your pain and there is nothing I can say that will help. On our own this is something that we cannot bare but if we put it all in the LORDs hands you will come through with his love and wisdom. I am truly and deeply sorry for your loss!!!

Jill said...

I don't even know what to say. I can't imagine how your heart is feeling. I'll pray for you sweet girl.

Nadine said...

I'm so very sorry to hear this! I will be praying for you and your family! I wish I had words to comfort you with, I can only imagine the pain you are feeling! With all my heart I am so deeply sorry for your loss! I know it is hard right now, but continue trusting in GOD's plan...I don't understand why these things happen to wonderful people who so much want their breaks my heart, we just have to trust him. Again, I am so sorry! Praying for you!!!

Mrs. Lukie said...

Oh Stephanie, my heart and my prayers are with you and yours. I am so, so sorry.

Mary (Mary's Monday Musicology) said...

Stephanie, I can't even begin to comprehend or understand your pain. That loss is to much to bear. I remember so vividly how broken I was when my mom miscarried when I was in the 1st grade. I so desperately wanted a sibling and I think about that little brother or sister I could have had all the time. I will be praying for your family and for God's healing. I know one day God will grant you the desires of your heart. Keep hope and do not give up!

PeaceLoveApplesauce said...

Oh, honey.. I am so, so sorry for your loss!
God has a plan for you and your family.. I'm sure of it! HUGS!

Sammy said...

I am so sorry Stephanie. Words are so inadequate. I am praying for you xxx

Lauren said...

I just found your blog tonight. I am crying for you right now. I know this pain too well and I know that there are no words... I am so sorry. I will be praying for you...

Leah said...

I will be praying for you too Stephanie. God is the great comforter...may he wrap his arms around you and your family and may you feel his loving embrace. Father, let her breathe your fresh air of peace, and bring rest to her innermost being. Restore her soul as is written in your word. Thank you for this child after your heart, and for the children in heaven who rejoice with you.

Meredith said...

Oh Stephanie, I am so sorry to hear this. I will definitely be praying. I have known loss once, but not four, I cannot imagine your pain over and over again. I will be praying for your sweet heart, sweet body and sweet family to have healing and comfort.

Q, La, and Gooner said...

I'm so sorry Stephanie! My heart hurts for you and I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through! We will keep you in our prayers.

Wendy said...

Dear Stephanie,
I'm so sorry. May I pray for you?
Dear God,
Oh, Father, this precious child of yours is hurting so badly, dear Lord. Please hold her in Your loving arms. Please comfort her. You know her pain. You can help her. Please in Jesus' Name. Amen.

When I had suffered the loss of our baby through miscarriage years ago, I wrote a poem. If it's ok, I will share it in hope that it will help in some way...

My Child Died Today

My Child died today. Is anyone aware?
My Child died today. Does anybody care?
My Child died today. Dear God,
are You up there?
My Child died today.
The pain is more than I can bear.
I cried out to the LORD in pain
"How could You do this to me?"
I could not comprehend at first
These precious gems of truth learned slowly
But I felt His presence s'round me
And His soft voice say,
"I feel your pain and I do care,
You're not the only one,
You see, two thousand years ago,
I also lost a Son.
I suffer with you, know your sorrow,
Understand your fears.
For back what seems only a day
A debt there was to pay:
To give to you Eternal Life
I tried to find a way
So you could live, I chose to say
My Child Died Today."
© Wendy Gunn 1988

I will be praying for you, dear.
Faith's Firm Foundation

Tracychele @ The Week-Ender said...

Ohh, Stephanie...I have also heard those words from a doctor before, but only once. I cannot imagine the pain of four times. I am so very sorry. I hope you will find the healing you need in this time and the strength will someday return. Take care of you.

In His Grip -:¦:- Loni said...

Just wanted you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. I have experienced heard the familiar words three times. I was also told I couldn't carry a child past 3 months. And my husband was told he would never produce any children. Yet, our Faithful Father has blessed us, and we have three with us as well, that I now homeschool. I pray you are filled with shalom, (true peace and wholeness), and that Father grant you healing and wholeness soon. All is in His timing. Keep hope in Him, and His perfect will!

Chloƫ said...

Wow I can't even begin to fathom the pain you're feeling and have no wise words of my own to offer except just to cling to Jesus. He is the ONLY one who will carry you through this. My prayers are going you way today.

♥ Noelle ♥ said...

hi hun! i am so sorry to hear of this:( i had 2 miscarriages so i know how the pain and loss feels. keep your prayers to God and he will bless you ♥

Amber Zimmerman said...

Stephanie - how sorry I am to read this. I wish I could reach through this computer and give you a great big hug and cry with you! I will certainly lift your family up in prayer. He is the great comforter. May He grant you peace and strength through this difficult time.

One Savvy Mom! said... are in my prayers

Teresa @ ♥ TOO MANY HEARTBEATS ♥ said...

Oh goodness. My heart just aches for you. I can not begin to imagine your pain and I won't pretend to. However, I am saying a prayer for you, my fellow sister in Christ.

I'm stopping by from Friday Follow. I just became your newest Follower. When you feel up to it, I would be honored if you would take a minute to check out my blog and follow me, too, if you like what you see.

For now, I will keep you in my prayers and I will be back to visit again soon.

Many Blessings,

Teresa <><

♥ Too Many Heartbeats ♥

Amy Walker said...

Wow! I will pray for you!

Alisha said...

I too have heard those words & they are awful. I am so sorry for your loss.