Monday, June 7, 2010

Overwhelmed

These past couple of weeks have been overwhelming.
My body is healing but my heart is in a million pieces.
Though this was our fourth baby to go on to heaven, it was physically a much more traumatic experience, and in turn I feel emotionally broken and scarred.

My arms ache for the babies I never had the chance to hold.

I keep thinking about how this August our twins should be turning two.

In November, on Isabella's birthday, we should be celebrating the birth of her and her brother or sister.

And on Christmas day this year I know my heart will be breaking again because there will not be a tiny new baby in our family picture.

People all around me are having babies - and that's hard for me. I want to rejoice with them because I know what a precious blessing it is to have a baby. I am genuinely happy that they are able to experience such joy.
But at the same time it's a constant reminder of all I have lost.
And on come the tears.
I know people who have not gone through this think I am just jealous of them, or that I am being too sensitive. But that is not the case.
I just miss my babies.
I don't want them to feel like I am not happy for them, or that I don't care - I do. It's just hard for me to show it right now.
I am grieving.

I don't know what God's plan is for us, and I don't understand why He would allow this to happen again and again. But I know He will comfort me like no one else can. I know He understands my pain and sorrow because He experienced it when His son died.

And it was all a part of His perfect plan.


I want to send out a heartfelt thank you to all of you who have left me comments, sent emails, letters, cards, meals, and most importantly prayers.
I am so touched by how many of you have reached out to me in one way or another these past few weeks. Many of you I've never even met, others I barely know, and some of you have let me know you care much more than I ever realized. Going through hard times can help you see who the people are who truly care about you. So thank you so very much. I know I have not responded to many of you personally yet, but please know that I have felt so loved by you!

I do not want to be depressing, so I will probably not be posting for a little while longer. I just wanted to let you know how I've been doing since I received such an outpouring of love from you.
I will be checking up on your blogs as time allows between snuggles with my hubby and sweet girl.
Please continue to pray as you think of us!
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42 comments:

Kimberly said...

I am glad you posted today! I have been wondering how you are doing!! Come back to the blogging world when you are ready! Take your time to grieve.
Thinking of you and your family.

Alexis said...

I have been thinking about you and your family these last few weeks and have been keeping you in my prayers. I am so sorry that you are going through all this.

Natalie said...

I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing.
I am still praying for all of you.
I do not think you are jealous or too sensitive at all...I think you are a grieving mother and you need to do that! I pray that God pours comfort out on you during this time!

Dancing Branflake said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. It's a strength for all those who have lost like you have. I hope you days become lighter and happier for you in time.

Tiffany said...

Praying for you and your family! If you are interested in connecting with others who know your pain, check out my good friends blog http://tradingmysorrows.weebly.com/my-blog.html. She's lost a few babies herself and writes about what she's gone through and how she made with through with God's help.

Barbie said...

I will be praying for you!

Julie said...

I just caught up on your last post. My heart is breaking for you! Please know you are in my prayers...and will be for these coming weeks. Please never feel that we think you are jealous or sensitive...you are a mother who aches for her babies. Again, I know there are no words. Just know you are held...as are your precious babies.

Courtney said...

I know we've never met and have just begun to follow one another in the wide world of blogging but you have been on my heart since your last post. Still praying for you. I hope you find peace. Blessings.

P.S. No response needed.

Nikosmommy said...

You've been through so much! You're right, the body heals but emotionally it can take so much longer...
Hang in there Mama and stay strong for your little Isabella!

LeAnna said...

So glad you updated. I know the pain of miscarriage, and the feelings that go along with it. I was telling my Hubby last night as I put on my earrings how they always remind me to pray for you. Lots of love! Take all the time you need, we'll be here. :)

Rachel said...

You have continued to be in my thoughts and prayers!! I'm so glad you updated us so we can pray better for you!!

♥ Noelle ♥ said...

hi hun! do they know why this is happening? 4 times is a LOT to miscarry:( sending you hugs ♥

Jules said...

Take all the time you need. Our prayers are with you, and all your babies.

Jill said...

Your loss is heartbreaking. I wish I had adequate words but Praise the Lord the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. I'll continue to pray.

Kristin said...

Stephanie, thank you for letting us know how you're doing. I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering that very thing. - Still keeping you in my prayers, and sending a hug, ~Kristin from Windy Poplars

Theresa said...

There are never words sufficient enough to properly express the heartbreak you are feeling. I KNOW this. And likewise there is nothing anybody says that will dull the pain or make you feel better. I KNOW this as well.

I too almost lost a child this past week. Our oldest son was very very sick....within 1-2 hours of dying. We were expecting the worst and preparing to accept whatever the outcome. It is nothing short of a miracle that he is home now.

Please know that I am praying for you. Not that the pain goes away because I understand that that pain is what you have to hang onto....it is almost a sort of comfort, but I will pray that you find peace and hope in all things including heartache....including loss.

Blessings and peace to you...

Kate said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and your family and ask God to guide you and comfort you in this difficult time.

Blessings,
Kate

thelumberjackswife said...

I don't know what to say other than I am sorry. I can't imagine the pain you feel and I wish you didn't have to feel it. I will remember you in my prayers. Nice to meet you, too.

lisaj said...

i am new to your blog, thanks for the comment on mine. i am so sorry to hear about your losses, i can imagine your pain. just know what special spirits those babaies were....Heavenly Father sent them down to attain their body, and took them right back cause they were too special for this earth!! and what a strong mother/person you are, cause He gives us nothing we can't handle. you WILL see your babies again and be reunited one day....hold onto that truth!

Jamie~ said...

I am so, so, sorry. Just like every one else here, my heart grieves for your family, especially for you, Mama. Hold tight, my dear. You are in the palm of His hand.
Prayers and blessings.

PeaceLoveApplesauce said...

HUGS to you! I know God will give you the strength to get through this. He DOES have a plan for you! Stay strong!

Page said...

Thank you so much for visiting and commenting on my blog. Your blog is so cute, your baby is beautiful, and your jewelry is awesome! I'm so, so sorry for your loss and the grief you are going through right now. Praying God will overwhelm you with unexplainable peace especially in your toughest moments...

Page said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Praying God will overwhelm you with an unexplainable peace, especially in your toughest moments. Thank you so much for visiting and commenting on my blog. Your blog is adorable, your baby is beautiful, and your jewelry is awesome!

Joyeful said...

Oh Stephanie, all I can say is that I am heartbroken and crying for your loss right now. So, so sorry you have had to walk through this again. I just pray that God surrounds you with His love right now and carries you through this one day at a time. I pray He wraps his arms around your heart and mends all your scars. I won't stop praying for you!

Katie said...

I came over to return the favor of visiting my blog. Oh, Stephanie I am so sorry. I too have had a miscarriage so I have a small idea of what you are going through. since this is the first time to your blog I do not know if you know about the blog Bring the Rain. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/ If you don't then I highly recommend it. I will help you by reading about someone who understands.

Q, La, and Gooner said...

I'm so glad you updated. I even FB stalked you, as you know, in order to check up on you. :( I'm so sorry and will continue the prayers.

Sammy said...

Thanks for posting- my heart just breaks for you. I so wish things could be different for you and it is hard to understand why things are as they are.
I am praying for you xxx

Menopausal New Mom said...

Oh Sweetie, your post today brought tears to my eyes, it was lovely of you to update everyone.

Big hug to you,
Deb

And thank you for joining our Thursday Follow, I'm following you back

chelsea rebecca said...

praying for you. and your sweet family!

been thinking about you too and i hope all is well.

big hugs!

Tammy said...

What a touching post you wrote. My heart breaks for how you must feel. I will put you in my prayers.

Thanks for joining us today in our Thursday's Friends and Giveaways! I hope you meet some great new friends. (You have met one in me)! Lots of love, hugs and prayers to you sweet girl!

LeksiDesigns said...

Found you on social parade....I will say a few prayers for you and your family.

Ruth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Le Chateau des fleurs said...

You have the right to be depressed and sad and grieve. You are not too sensitive. I am sorry for your loss. God has a plan and we must trust it. I believe you will be with all your babies next life. They are not lost and they love you. They are just angels. I am sure they are watching over you.
XO
Come say hi and follow back when you can :)

Mama Hen said...

I am so sorry that you have had to experience so much pain and loss. I also went through it many times. I truly know how you feel. It is very hard! But God truly does have a plan. You will know this plan in His time. Please know that I am not just saying these words to you. I went through it and the pain was so great!! When you get a chance please read my about Mama Hen in the navigation bar on my blog. It will let you know that you are not alone and that your dreams will come true! Come visit me at Mama's Little Chick. My prayers are with you!

Mama Hen
www.mamaslittlechick.com

Ruth said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I do understand how painful it must for you. In spite of all these i love the way you hold on to God. His ways are mysterious and we do not fully comprehend most of the times. but one thing we can be sure... is that He has our best interests are heart.

These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1Peter 1:7

"But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold," JOB 23:10.

Praying much for you!!
Ruth

Cary Dale Taylor said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and your family.

Kristin said...

I am so so sorry. I've been there myself. Prayers going up that peace finds you!

Christy said...

Thanks for coming by - glad to meet you.

I am praying for you and your family...for peace and understanding that everything works out.

Kathy said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog.
You and your family are in my prayers.

QueenB said...

i only just found you thru 2sdays and i'm glad i did.

i, too, have had multiple miscarriages and its such a painful thing. i'm sorry you have such an intimate knowledge of the pain. know that i'm praying for you and your loved ones.

A Bite of Country Cupcakes said...

I have only just come across your blog and I so feel for you.
Babies are a blessing and They are awaited long before conception even so it is heartbreaking when such a loss occurs.
My hugs and prayers are with you God speed.

Kayla said...

Wow I can't even begin to imagine how you feel but I think you have a right to feel it! I would be a complete basket case if I had lost my baby. Hugs!

I am following you back!