I used to LOVE Christmas.
I loved the decorating, the baking, listening to Christmas music, the shopping, shopping, shopping, the parties, more baking, gift giving, etc.
But now it all feels like "busy work". Things to keep me occupied and overly busy so I am distracted from what's always on my mind.
The last few Christmases have been hard. Some heartbreaking memories kept me from feeling the giddiness I usually felt that time of year.
This year, I hate to say, I am dreading Christmas. Everything just feels so silly and petty, and I wish I could sleep through the whole thing.
This year is harder.
Our baby was due to be born on Christmas day. But my womb is empty and so are my arms.
Five months after we lost that baby, I became pregnant again. With twins. Though the pain of losing our baby was terrible, I was thankful that these babies were here - almost as though to comfort me. We may not hold our little one on Christmas, but we had a flicker of joy; the hope that soon two more babes would join our family.
Six weeks ago we lost those babies too.
Three years ago, after many difficult years of trying to conceive, we were expecting twins. We told our families on Christmas day, and on January 1st, I miscarried.
Three months later, I was pregnant with twins again. Though I miscarried one baby, by the grace of God, our sweet miracle Isabella Hope was born.
It seems like each year Christmas (and life) gets harder and more painful. Each year we mourn the loss of more babies we never had the chance to hold. Each year, and this year in particular, I struggle so hard to not fall apart. To pretend that Christmas is fun and wonderful. For the sake of our daughter, I try to let her experience of Christmas be one that is full of joy.
I try not to let by broken heart bleed for all to see.
Oh, but this year is hard.
Friends, I write this today, not to depress you or bring you down, but to show you that I know pain and suffering, and loss. But I have HOPE.
You see, Christmas is about a baby. Just not my baby.
This baby is the son of God, born to the virgin Mary.
He was fully God yet he came to this world a human - a baby.
This baby grew to be a man, and lived a perfect life as an example to us.
He did not have an easy life. He was a man of sorrows, therefore we can know that Jesus, the son of God himself, understands our pain.
He suffered and died on the cross to pay the penalty for our wrongdoings. He got what we deserved, and He paid willingly because He LOVES us.
He was dead and buried for 3 days before he came back to life to prove His victory over sin and death. And he ascended into heaven where He reigns eternally.
The sweet baby Jesus we sing about at Christmas was so much more than just a baby. He is Emmanuel, God with us. The King of kings and Lord of lords. He came to bring us peace.
And though you may feel like me right now - heartbroken and beaten down. There is a peace that passes all understanding, and it can only come from Him.
Luke 2:11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.
6 For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.